A Violent Commitment to Living Through Suicidal Ideation
- Dr. Scott Eilers, PsyD, LP
- Jan 9
- 3 min read
If you’re functioning on the outside but quietly disconnected from your own life, that numb, half-checked-out feeling can grind you down in ways other people don’t see. You show up. You do what’s expected. You play the role. But none of it feels rooted. It feels temporary. Conditional. Like you’re waiting for permission to leave.
That’s how I lived for a long time.
I never fully committed to being here. I kept a mental exit door cracked open, just in case. And as long as that door stays open, life never gets your full effort. You don’t build toward anything when you believe you can always walk away.
For me, suicidal ideation wasn’t about wanting to die as much as wanting relief. It felt like the only move big enough to match how intense the pain was. What finally shifted things wasn’t a new mindset or a coping trick. It was a decision. A hard one.
Burning the Backup Plan
I decided to take death off the table for five years. Not as a feeling, but as an option.
I didn’t promise I’d feel better. I didn’t promise things would work out. I promised I would stay.
That choice mattered because it forced commitment. When there’s no backup plan, every small decision changes. Getting out of bed stops being optional. Going to work, eating, showering, making the call you’ve been avoiding, these all become part of the same answer: yes. Not because it feels good, but because you’re here.
That decision didn’t make life easy. It made life possible.
Thoughts Versus Engagement
The thoughts didn’t disappear. They still showed up. But I stopped engaging with them.
There’s a difference between your brain throwing a thought at you and you sitting down to negotiate with it. I stopped negotiating.
When the thought came up, the answer was already decided. No debate. No spiral. Just no.
That boundary alone removed most of the ambivalence that had kept me stuck for years.
Putting the Intensity Where It Belongs
I didn’t lose the rage or frustration that made me want out. I redirected it.
I used that energy to build a life I didn’t actively resent. That meant doing very ordinary things consistently, even when I didn’t care about them. Over time, those choices stacked.
Slowly, the days became more tolerable. Then some of them became meaningful.
Staying Is an Act of Defiance
Choosing to stay can be just as forceful as choosing to leave. It’s not passive. It’s not weak. It’s a commitment made in the face of uncertainty, and it changes what becomes possible.
You don’t have to feel hopeful to decide to stay. You just have to decide.
From there, you build. One day at a time.
(If this post hit home, you’ll probably connect with my new book, The Light Between the Leaves. It’s a practical guide for the days when “try harder” stops working.
-Scott
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