An Antisocial Individual Guide to Functioning in Society Without Hating Every Minute
- Dr. Scott Eilers, PsyD, LP
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
Social Anxiety Coping Strategies for People Who Don’t Like People
If socializing feels less like connection and more like endurance, I get it.
For a long time, I told myself I just hated people. The truth was more specific. I could enjoy most individuals one-on-one, but groups made everything unravel fast. People start performing, interrupting, posturing, competing, arguing about nothing and suddenly I’m counting the minutes until I can leave without seeming rude.
I’m not writing this as a naturally social person who cracked the code. I’m writing as someone who learned how to function socially while still feeling drained, guarded, and often irritated. These are the social anxiety coping strategies that helped me move from miserable-and-unskilled to mostly-okay-and-manageable.
Use the “Men in Black Rule” to Reduce Social Overload
One-on-one conversations stay human. Groups don’t.
Whenever possible, design your life around smaller interactions. Coffee with one person instead of a party. Arriving early before the room fills up. Walking with someone instead of sitting in a loud restaurant.
I used to feel confused that I liked everyone individually but hated the gathering itself. That’s not a personal flaw, it’s a pattern you can work with.
Look for What Unites So Your Brain Stops Scanning for Exits
My mind naturally searches for reasons I won’t fit in. It’s protective. If I decide you won’t understand me, I don’t have to risk wanting your approval.
Now, I intentionally find one or two points of common ground and let the interaction live there. A shared hobby. A mutual annoyance. Something small and real. It doesn’t need depth, it needs accuracy.
A Real Example
Some of my longest friendships existed almost entirely around one shared activity. That was enough. Depth doesn’t always come from similarity. Sometimes it comes from consistency.
Find Popular Things You Don’t Hate
You don’t need to fake a personality just pick one or two widely shared topics you can tolerate and learn enough to participate. A sport, a show, a game, a hobby. When it comes up, you can stay present instead of scrambling for an escape hatch.
This is one of the simplest social anxiety coping strategies and it works.
Use Information Tiers So You Stop Speed-Running Intimacy
Oversharing early feels efficient, but it usually backfires.
Tier 1: safe small talk
Tier 2: preferences and opinions
Tier 3: trauma, diagnoses, politics, personal history
When you pace what you share, people understand you more accurately and interactions feel safer.
Trade Snarky Questions for Genuine Ones
Snark feels protective, but it pushes people away. I had to learn the difference between curiosity and judgment disguised as a question.
When you ask with real interest, people soften. You don’t have to perform. You just have to stay honest.
Progress Here Isn’t Dramatic
If people have worn you down, wanting distance makes sense. You don’t need to become an extrovert to build a workable life.
Start smaller. Choose environments intentionally. Pace closeness. Communicate in ways that keep you out of unnecessary conflict. Progress here isn’t dramatic it’s quiet, repeatable, and cumulative.
I walk through these strategies in more detail and show how I apply them in real life in the video below.
(If this post hit home, you’ll probably connect with my new book, The Light Between the Leaves. It’s a practical guide for the days when “try harder” stops working.
-Scott
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FAQ
Q: Can anxiety routines be a sign of depression?Yes. Many people with high-functioning depression use anxiety routines as coping strategies. These routines often mask deeper struggles but also keep people stuck.
Q: What’s the difference between healthy preparation and an anxiety routine?Preparation helps you engage with life. Anxiety routines prevent you from living it. The difference is whether the habit expands or shrinks your world.
Q: What if I’ve tried therapy and it hasn’t helped?You’re not broken. Traditional therapy often overlooks people who need practical, science-based strategies. That’s why I share tools that most mental health providers aren’t teaching.
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