How to Help Someone With Suicidal Thoughts
When someone you love tells you they don’t want to be alive, it can take everything you have just to stay steady enough to hear them.
I’ve had suicidal thoughts myself, and I work with people living with severe depression. I know the fear and urgency this conversation brings up. You need a way to stay present, get help, and keep showing up afterward.
1. During the Conversation: Help Them Keep Talking
Keep Your Tone Serious but Calm
Put your phone away. Turn off the television. Face them and let them finish what they’re saying. You can say, “I’m glad you told me. I want to understand what’s been going on.”
I know “stay calm” is a huge thing to ask when this is your child or partner. You may feel terrified inside. A steady voice tells them you can hear more. If you’re overwhelmed, bring in another trusted person or crisis counselor.
Treat Their Pain as Something You Can Face Together
Listen for what has become unbearable. Reflect it back: “It sounds like school has gotten so hard that you can’t see yourself going back tomorrow. I’m taking that seriously.”
Stay beside them in this conversation. Their pain deserves to be heard.
Leave Guilt, Minimization, and Debate Out
“You’d hurt us so much,” “Other people have it worse,” and “You don’t really mean that” can make it harder for someone to tell you the truth. Listing everything good in their life may turn the conversation into an argument when they need you to understand how bad things feel.
Try, “I hear that you can’t keep living this way. Let’s get help and work on what can change.” Seek support for your own fear and grief too.
2. Before the Conversation Ends: Understand the Risk and Bring In Help
Ask Directly About Plan, Means, and Intent
Ask, “Are you thinking about suicide?” Asking this question does not increase suicidal thoughts. Then find out:
Plan: “Have you thought about how you might do it?”
Means: “Do you have access to what you would use?”
Intent and timing: “Do you think you might act on this? Have you thought about when?”
These questions help clarify urgency. Someone without a specific plan can still be at serious risk, and a stated date can change. Ask a crisis counselor or clinician to help decide what happens next.
Make the Immediate Environment Safer
Means restriction means limiting access to things the person could use to harm themselves. Work with appropriate support to secure medications or arrange safe firearm storage. Get advice about managing needed medication. Don’t handle a weapon or put yourself at risk.
In the United States, you can call or text 988 with them, or call yourself for guidance. Find out what local crisis services are available. If there is immediate danger, call 911 and stay with them if safe. Don’t promise to keep a threat to their safety secret.
Find the Right Level of Treatment
Offer to sit with them while they contact a therapist. If they already have one, help them say clearly that suicidal thoughts have come up or worsened.
Intensive outpatient programs provide several treatment sessions a week. Partial hospitalization offers more structured daytime care. Residential programs provide treatment while the person lives at a facility; inpatient care may be needed for immediate safety. A clinician can help determine the right level.
Before you part, agree on who to contact, how to make the next hours safer, and when you’ll check in.
3. Afterward: Stay Close Without Making Them Prove They’re Better
Show Up in Ordinary, Repeatable Ways
Spend time together. Bring food they like. Follow through when you say you’ll call. Tell them, “I’m glad you’re in my life.” Avoid asking them to prove your efforts worked: “We’ve spent more time together. Do you feel better now?”
Help Change What Has Become Unbearable
If your teenager says school is the thing they cannot face, explore accommodations, another learning arrangement, or time for treatment with their school and care team.
Sometimes changing the circumstances needs to be part of helping the person recover.
Listen for what they still enjoy. During a dark stretch of my life, I realized I still enjoyed being in nature and worked to make more room for it. Those clues can help you build a more bearable life with them alongside treatment.
There Is Still Room For Things To Change
You may leave this conversation shaken. I don’t expect you to know exactly what to say every time, or to carry their safety by yourself. Help them make the next call. Keep the promises you make about checking in. Be willing to change something in daily life when they tell you what has become too hard.
I’ve seen how much it can matter when someone takes a person seriously and continues to show up after the frightening conversation is over. Your loved one may need more care than either of you anticipated, and getting there can take persistence. Stay with them through those next steps. Let other people help you, too. There is still room for things to change, even if neither of you can see the whole way forward tonight.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number. In the U.S., call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline; for other countries, search your local crisis line.
(If this post hit home, you’ll probably connect with my new book, The Light Between the Leaves. It’s a practical guide for the days when “try harder” stops working.
-Scott
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FAQ
Q. Does asking someone about suicide make them more likely to do it?
No. Research summarized by NIMH indicates that directly asking about suicidal thoughts does not cause or increase suicidal thoughts or behavior. Asking clearly can help identify someone who needs support.
Q. What should I say when someone tells me they are suicidal?
Take what they are saying seriously. Listen without judgment, ask directly about suicide, and avoid debating whether they “should” feel this way. Statements such as “I’m glad you told me” and “I want to understand what’s happening” can keep the conversation open while you help connect them with support. 988 similarly recommends being direct, listening, remaining nonjudgmental, and avoiding lectures or glib reassurance.
Q. Should I leave someone alone if they are suicidal?
If someone says they intend to kill themselves or appears to be in immediate danger, do not leave them alone. Seek emergency or crisis assistance and involve another trusted person when appropriate.
Q. Can I call 988 about someone else?
Yes. In the United States, 988 encourages people concerned about a friend or loved one to contact the Lifeline for guidance and information about available resources.
Q. What should happen after the immediate suicidal crisis passes?
Keep following up. Supportive ongoing contact after a suicidal crisis or discharge from care can play an important role in suicide prevention. Help the person stay connected with professional care and follow through on the practical support you promised.
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