top of page
Search

Why Chasing Acceptance Destroys Self-Worth

I spent years chasing acceptance and it ruined my life.


When people rejected me, I kept lowering my standards. I believed I was “less than,” caught in what I now call the transitive property fallacy. The logic was: If I wasn’t good enough for them, maybe I’d fit in somewhere less exclusive. And if not there, maybe even lower.


I kept dropping, again and again, until I ended up in places and relationships that tore me apart.


This isn’t theory, it was my life. A decade lost to thinking my worth depended on where I could gain approval. The truth I finally discovered in recovery was this: the transitive property doesn’t apply to people. You’re not a math problem. You’re not a number to be ranked. You’re a human being.


And if you’ve been living your life trying to “fit in” by becoming someone smaller than you really are, there is another way.


You’re Not “Too Broken,” You’re Burnt Out From Performing


Over the years, countless people have shared their stories with me through comments, messages, and private conversations. Different lives, but the same shame:

  • People who tried therapy but couldn’t get help.

  • People who never had real friends, only ones who wanted them to perform a role.

  • People with disabilities, chronic illness, poverty, trauma, or aging who kept showing up, only to be dismissed, judged, or overlooked.


When rejection piles up, the brain whispers: “Maybe this is what I deserve.” That voice is a liar but it’s fluent in repetition.


The solution isn’t to perform harder. It’s to stop performing at all. To stop chasing acceptance by becoming what others want and start reclaiming who you actually are, even if you’re not fully sure who that is yet.


The Transitive Property Fallacy in Real Life


Looking back, I can see how I measured my worth on an invisible scale:

  • If Group A didn’t want me, I must be less than them.

  • If Group B also rejected me, I must be even lower.


It never occurred to me that maybe none of those groups were right for me at all.


This isn’t just my story, it’s everywhere:

  • The person bullied so long they no longer know who they are.

  • The person told productivity equals worth.

  • The person masking just to survive.

  • The older adult erased by society the moment their hair went gray.

  • The person stuck in survival mode so long they can’t imagine a life with dignity.


These aren’t failures. They’re the byproducts of a broken culture, a culture that ranks humans by usefulness, status, money, and appearance.


But your worth has never lived on that ladder.


What Helped Me Break Free


I didn’t “find myself” overnight. At first, I didn’t even like myself. But I made one decision: stop going lower.



I stopped reshaping myself just to gain access to places that drained me.


I started asking: What kind of life could I build if I aimed upward, instead of downward?


It wasn’t clean or easy. I lost people before I found others. But over time, I started making choices rooted in my values, not my desperation. That’s when things began to change.

And I’ve seen others do the same: people who stopped settling for tolerance and started seeking alignment. People who stopped chasing their worth in others’ eyes and built lives that actually felt liveable.


You Don’t Belong “Down There”


You’re not too old. You’re not too broken. You’re not too slow, too weird, too sensitive, or “less than.”


But if you keep chasing places that treat you like you are, it will destroy you.


The transitive property fallacy nearly destroyed me. What saved me was moving in the opposite direction, not because I felt ready, but because staying “down there” meant never healing.


If nothing works where you are, try moving toward more, not less. More truth. More discomfort (the good kind). More challenge. More of you.


-Scott

Want practical tools for navigating life with depression and anxiety, delivered right to you every week?

Resources. 


My Books




bottom of page