When the Inner Relationship Turns Against You
- Dr. Scott Eilers, PsyD, LP
- Nov 21
- 3 min read
If you’re anything like me, the harshest critic you’ll ever face isn’t out in the world, it’s the one in your own head. The voice that never lets up, never misses, never gives you a moment off. I’ve had seasons where I’d take any external criticism over the pressure coming from inside. And when that inner relationship starts slipping, everything else follows. You stop showing up for yourself. You stop caring about what you used to love. You start pulling back from your own life.
This isn’t random. There’s a predictable pattern to how the inner relationship breaks down, and it mirrors the same Four Horsemen John Gottman uses to predict relationship failure. When those dynamics take root internally, they pull you into self-sabotage, burnout, and emotional shutdown.
But it’s reversible.
The Silent War You Fight With Yourself
It starts with criticism. Not the “I made a mistake” kind, but the global, personal kind: “What’s wrong with me?” “Why am I like this?”
Then comes defensiveness, the internal pushback, frustration, and shame because deep down, you know you didn’t choose half the traits you’re punishing yourself for.
Over time, that spirals into contempt: the voice that gives you no benefit of the doubt. The voice that mocks you, minimizes you, acts like you’re a disappointment.
And last comes stonewalling. The shutdown. The burnout. The drifting. The coping patterns you slip into because trying feels pointless. I’ve watched this cycle unfold in myself and in hundreds of people I’ve worked with. It’s painful but it’s not permanent.
Rebuilding your inner relationship follows the same principles as rebuilding any relationship that matters.
The First Shift: Staying Committed to Yourself
Everything begins with commitment. Not the “I’ll try” version, commitment that says:
Walking away from myself is no longer an option.
Even if you don’t feel like you’ve earned your own trust, something has to interrupt the cycle of contempt. That interruption is usually a small act of generosity toward yourself, giving yourself another chance.
Think of it like handing a phone back to a kid who misused it. They can’t rebuild trust if they’re never offered another opportunity. You can’t rebuild trust with yourself if you never give yourself another shot either.
The Second Shift: Setting Standards You Can Actually Meet
Commitment fails when the standards are inhuman.
A lot of hopelessness comes from expectations no one, literally no one, could meet consistently. Life doesn’t improve on a perfect upward line. Real progress looks like:
long plateaus
small adjustments
quiet improvements
delayed breakthroughs
The Third Shift: Returning to Yourself Again and Again
Repairing the inner relationship is not a single breakthrough. It is a practice. Some days you will feel steady. Other days the old voices will try to take the lead again.
What matters is that you keep coming back to yourself with honesty, patience, and a standard you can hold. Every time you return, you strengthen the relationship a little more. Over time, the critic loses its authority, the shame loses its edge, and the shutdown loosens its grip.
You begin to feel like someone you can count on.
(If this post hit home, you’ll probably connect with my new book, The Light Between the Leaves. It’s a practical guide for the days when “try harder” stops working.
-Scott
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